It’s not my job to make you happy. As you can see by the bluntness of that statement, I’m not even kidding! It’s not your parent’s job to make you happy. It’s not your significant other’s job to make you happy. It’s not your boss’, coworker’s, friend’s, sibling’s, random store clerk’s, complete stranger’s or anyone else’s job to make you happy. This may sound like bad news or even a hurtful correction, but I assure you, it’s actually the best news you could possibly receive! Let me explain why.
When my happiness is another person’s job, I am out of control. When I am out of control, I feel powerless. Powerless people make powerless decisions.
When my happiness is another person’s job, I am out of control. When I am out of control, I feel powerless. Powerless people make powerless decisions.
When my happiness is another person's job, I am out of control. When I am out of control, I feel powerless. Powerless people make powerless decisions.
What do I mean by powerless decisions? Well, I make decisions to be unhappy. I choose to be a victim to other people’s decisions. Even worse, I usually need to grasp for some sense of power.
When I am feeling powerless, I will grasp for a sense of power elsewhere. What does this look like? It could manifest as frustration, depression, or anger. You may become easily aggravated or find yourself depending on an addiction. Many people looking for control find it in a sense of rebellion, therefore turning to things like alcohol, excessive use of foul language, porn, or unhealthy relationships. Maybe rebellion isn’t quite your form of grasping for control- but over eating, OCD, overspending, even excessive exercise can be a result of feeling powerless. You grasp for anything within your reach, hoping to find identity, purpose, and control in it. Sound familiar?
I mean, letting other people control me might be easier for a little while; but eventually, I miss being in control of my own life. That’s normal and it’s part of how God made us. He gave us reason and the ability to make good choices. God put Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and gave them power, responsibility, and dominion over the earth. We need to have authority over things because that’s part of God’s original plan for our lives.
When I am feeling powerless, I will grasp for a sense of power elsewhere. What does this look like? It could manifest as frustration, depression, or anger. You may become easily aggravated or find yourself depending on an addiction. Many people looking for control find it in a sense of rebellion, therefore turning to things like alcohol, excessive use of foul language, porn, or unhealthy relationships. Maybe rebellion isn’t quite your form of grasping for control- but over eating, OCD, overspending, even excessive exercise can be a result of feeling powerless. You grasp for anything within your reach, hoping to find identity, purpose, and control in it. Sound familiar?
I mean, letting other people control me might be easier for a little while; but eventually, I miss being in control of my own life. That’s normal and it’s part of how God made us. He gave us reason and the ability to make good choices. God put Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and gave them power, responsibility, and dominion over the earth. We need to have authority over things because that’s part of God’s original plan for our lives.
So here's the answer: You need to be in control of your own life!
Now calm down, crazy people. That doesn’t look like throwing your weight all over the place, demanding things from others, or constantly showing off how in control you are. Actually, those are all signs of a person still trying to be in control. Here’s some things that it actually looks like:
Serve Someone. That’s right. Believe it or not, you regain control of your own life when you make a conscious decision to humble yourself, go low, and serve another person’s vision, goal, and plan. When you come under another individual, lay down your own dreams and make their dreams happen, you become powerful. No longer are you frustrated that people are walking all over you. No longer do you have no say in what happens to you. You decide to humble yourself. You decide to put all of your efforts into another individual. You decide to make it about someone other than yourself. We see this example in Jesus. The King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Alpha and Omega, God of Heaven and Earth chose to serve YOU. He sacrificed Himself to save you. He washed feet, He healed the sick, He hung out with the ones no one else wanted to hang out with, and He paid the ultimate price of dying on a cross for our salvation. What gave that the authority to take away your sins was not that God forced Him into it. If God forced Him, there would have been no power in what Jesus did. What gave the cross it’s power was Jesus’ decision to choose to serve. Selah!
Serve Someone. That’s right. Believe it or not, you regain control of your own life when you make a conscious decision to humble yourself, go low, and serve another person’s vision, goal, and plan. When you come under another individual, lay down your own dreams and make their dreams happen, you become powerful. No longer are you frustrated that people are walking all over you. No longer do you have no say in what happens to you. You decide to humble yourself. You decide to put all of your efforts into another individual. You decide to make it about someone other than yourself. We see this example in Jesus. The King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Alpha and Omega, God of Heaven and Earth chose to serve YOU. He sacrificed Himself to save you. He washed feet, He healed the sick, He hung out with the ones no one else wanted to hang out with, and He paid the ultimate price of dying on a cross for our salvation. What gave that the authority to take away your sins was not that God forced Him into it. If God forced Him, there would have been no power in what Jesus did. What gave the cross it’s power was Jesus’ decision to choose to serve. Selah!
What gave the cross it's power was Jesus' decision to choose to serve. Selah!
Apologize. This goes hand in hand with serving someone. The shared quality between the two is humility. Be willing to take responsibility for your actions. Be quick to repent when you’re wrong. Nothing is so important that you can't own it. Taking responsibility for your mistakes might hurt in the moment, but in the long run you will feel in control of your own life and you will appreciate the difference it makes.
Think Positively. Negative thinking has no place in a powerful person. Negative thoughts play the blame game. They take no responsibility for their own actions and point all of the blame on someone else. Negative thoughts give us excuses to feel powerless. They isolate us and send us spiraling into a pit of loneliness.
Positive thinking, on the other hand, gives us reason to feel happy. If you want to find it, you can see the silver lining in any situation. Positive thinking creates hope, which is the breeding ground for joy. Hopeful people have purpose, they have life, they have a future to look forward to. They believe the world can be a better place and they take responsibility to do their part in making it that way. God told us we would go from Glory to Glory! We’re on the up and up! It gets better from here! We go from one good place to the next.
Practical ways you can apply this is only thinking positively about yourself. Surprise! You didn’t see body image coming into this, did you? Why do we expect to find beauty in something we constantly tear apart?
Think Positively. Negative thinking has no place in a powerful person. Negative thoughts play the blame game. They take no responsibility for their own actions and point all of the blame on someone else. Negative thoughts give us excuses to feel powerless. They isolate us and send us spiraling into a pit of loneliness.
Positive thinking, on the other hand, gives us reason to feel happy. If you want to find it, you can see the silver lining in any situation. Positive thinking creates hope, which is the breeding ground for joy. Hopeful people have purpose, they have life, they have a future to look forward to. They believe the world can be a better place and they take responsibility to do their part in making it that way. God told us we would go from Glory to Glory! We’re on the up and up! It gets better from here! We go from one good place to the next.
Practical ways you can apply this is only thinking positively about yourself. Surprise! You didn’t see body image coming into this, did you? Why do we expect to find beauty in something we constantly tear apart?
Why do we expect to find beauty in something we constantly tear apart?
“I’m too fat. I’m too skinny. My skin breaks out easily. I’m not toned enough. I have too many freckles. I wish my hair wasn’t this color. My thighs touch. Is that cellulite?!” Where is the hope, life, joy and beauty in this kind of thinking? How can you have confidence in yourself as a powerful person if you constantly tell yourself why you aren’t good enough?
Here’s one- “I shouldn’t have eaten that. I’m gross. I overeat. I’ll always be fat. I’ll always struggle with weight and food addictions. I hate exercise. I’ll never loose the weight.”
No- you can’t be powerful and loose the weight when you’re telling yourself all the reasons you fail. This sounds extremely powerless! Take control of your own body! Tell it what it’s going to do. Don't let circumstances control who you are going to be! Don’t let your thoughts keep you locked up and powerless. You will only do what you tell yourself is possible!
Negative thoughts may come. The temptation of “stinkin’ thinkin’” isn’t sinful or wrong. Letting it stay is the problem. My dad use to say, “You can’t stop a bird from landing on your head. You can stop it from building a nest.” When negative thoughts come into your mind, brush them away.
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” - Romans 12:2
"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worth of praise, dwell on these things." - Philippians 4:8
I challenge you that for every negative thought you have, replace it with a positive one. Try this for a week and see how it changes your life.
Communicate. For me, this one is the hardest. I hate to truly express how I’m feeling- particularly in a conflict. I can be transparent. I can tell you enough about me that you feel you truly know me. But sometimes, I fail to be vulnerable and let you in on my actual thoughts in a situation. To regain power of my own life, I have to be willing to share my heart. Giving away pieces of yourself helps you to feel known by others. This really does create a sense of self control.
Chase Your Fears. I have a strong conviction to not let fear be what holds me back. I often describe fear as smoke and mirrors. It’s most definitely not real. Fear is like a fog that surrounds you. It shows itself as a barrier to box you in; however, it is as fading as the darkness into light in the break of dawn. It can not hold you in. I continually remind myself when I’m afraid that all I have to do is breathe out. When I blow, the fog rolls away. It can’t withstand a simple breath. I accredit this to the fact that God breathed into Adam and put His breath in our lungs. He gave us the ability to overcome fears. On the other side of the fog is a life you’ve only dreamed of. Nothing - especially fear- is allowed to control me and steal my power. So what are you afraid of? Go do it. Show fear that it is no longer allowed to steal your power.
Rid Yourself of Toxic People. I’m a massive believer in community! But I don’t believe every person gets to be your community. You have worked hard to be where you are. Why are you letting people who do not love you, believe in you, and support you to surround you? Let them go! No one gets to talk to you in a way the suggests you’re unimportant. No one is given the power to make you feel bad about yourself. Are you sad, feeling insignificant, or feeling insecure after being with them? You might need to drop them! Surround yourself with people who build you up! Surround yourself with people who aren’t constantly pulling and taking from you but that give and pour into you! Surround yourself with people who are powerful and will show you how to be confident. If they don’t want to be in your life, let them go. You should never have to fight to keep someone in your life.
Learn Your Needs. We all have them. Figure out what you need and then make sure it’s in your calendar! I have to have structure, plans in advance, and order. But I also need moments of spontaneous! I need the excitement it brings! I need to eat good food. I need at least 8 hours of sleep at night. I need a lot of extroverted people time. I need responsibility and projects. I need outlets to express myself and feel creative. I need my room to remain clean. If these things are not in place, I can’t function for long. It’s not other people’s job to make sure I’m meeting my needs. It’s my job! Figure out what makes you tick. Find the things that you can’t live without. Then do them.
Set Goals You Will Succeed In. I've heard it said if you are behind schedule and need to catch a bus, your ability to catch the bus will determine how hard you work for it. If you are approaching the bus stop and your bus just starts to roll away, you will probably chase after it, wave it down, and yell. However, if the bus is a block down the street and turning the corner as you approach the bus stop, you will quit and burry yourself in defeat. The same is for your goals. Why would you set a goal that is a block away and rounding the corner? Set a goal that is small enough that you can accomplish it- but just hard enough to make you work for it. This will create growth. You will feel successful and it will motivate you to keep going. No one likes to fail. You will quit if it’s too hard.
Spend Time with God. This is the most important one of all! Your identity is not found in other people. That is the sole reason you can not make them the source of your happiness. They were never intended to be in that role and they will fail you if you put them there.
Here’s one- “I shouldn’t have eaten that. I’m gross. I overeat. I’ll always be fat. I’ll always struggle with weight and food addictions. I hate exercise. I’ll never loose the weight.”
No- you can’t be powerful and loose the weight when you’re telling yourself all the reasons you fail. This sounds extremely powerless! Take control of your own body! Tell it what it’s going to do. Don't let circumstances control who you are going to be! Don’t let your thoughts keep you locked up and powerless. You will only do what you tell yourself is possible!
Negative thoughts may come. The temptation of “stinkin’ thinkin’” isn’t sinful or wrong. Letting it stay is the problem. My dad use to say, “You can’t stop a bird from landing on your head. You can stop it from building a nest.” When negative thoughts come into your mind, brush them away.
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” - Romans 12:2
"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worth of praise, dwell on these things." - Philippians 4:8
I challenge you that for every negative thought you have, replace it with a positive one. Try this for a week and see how it changes your life.
Communicate. For me, this one is the hardest. I hate to truly express how I’m feeling- particularly in a conflict. I can be transparent. I can tell you enough about me that you feel you truly know me. But sometimes, I fail to be vulnerable and let you in on my actual thoughts in a situation. To regain power of my own life, I have to be willing to share my heart. Giving away pieces of yourself helps you to feel known by others. This really does create a sense of self control.
Chase Your Fears. I have a strong conviction to not let fear be what holds me back. I often describe fear as smoke and mirrors. It’s most definitely not real. Fear is like a fog that surrounds you. It shows itself as a barrier to box you in; however, it is as fading as the darkness into light in the break of dawn. It can not hold you in. I continually remind myself when I’m afraid that all I have to do is breathe out. When I blow, the fog rolls away. It can’t withstand a simple breath. I accredit this to the fact that God breathed into Adam and put His breath in our lungs. He gave us the ability to overcome fears. On the other side of the fog is a life you’ve only dreamed of. Nothing - especially fear- is allowed to control me and steal my power. So what are you afraid of? Go do it. Show fear that it is no longer allowed to steal your power.
Rid Yourself of Toxic People. I’m a massive believer in community! But I don’t believe every person gets to be your community. You have worked hard to be where you are. Why are you letting people who do not love you, believe in you, and support you to surround you? Let them go! No one gets to talk to you in a way the suggests you’re unimportant. No one is given the power to make you feel bad about yourself. Are you sad, feeling insignificant, or feeling insecure after being with them? You might need to drop them! Surround yourself with people who build you up! Surround yourself with people who aren’t constantly pulling and taking from you but that give and pour into you! Surround yourself with people who are powerful and will show you how to be confident. If they don’t want to be in your life, let them go. You should never have to fight to keep someone in your life.
Learn Your Needs. We all have them. Figure out what you need and then make sure it’s in your calendar! I have to have structure, plans in advance, and order. But I also need moments of spontaneous! I need the excitement it brings! I need to eat good food. I need at least 8 hours of sleep at night. I need a lot of extroverted people time. I need responsibility and projects. I need outlets to express myself and feel creative. I need my room to remain clean. If these things are not in place, I can’t function for long. It’s not other people’s job to make sure I’m meeting my needs. It’s my job! Figure out what makes you tick. Find the things that you can’t live without. Then do them.
Set Goals You Will Succeed In. I've heard it said if you are behind schedule and need to catch a bus, your ability to catch the bus will determine how hard you work for it. If you are approaching the bus stop and your bus just starts to roll away, you will probably chase after it, wave it down, and yell. However, if the bus is a block down the street and turning the corner as you approach the bus stop, you will quit and burry yourself in defeat. The same is for your goals. Why would you set a goal that is a block away and rounding the corner? Set a goal that is small enough that you can accomplish it- but just hard enough to make you work for it. This will create growth. You will feel successful and it will motivate you to keep going. No one likes to fail. You will quit if it’s too hard.
Spend Time with God. This is the most important one of all! Your identity is not found in other people. That is the sole reason you can not make them the source of your happiness. They were never intended to be in that role and they will fail you if you put them there.
There is only one person whose hands are big enough to hold you.
Your maker can hold you. He wants to tell you why you’re powerful. He wants to show you how He feels about you. He wants to whisper secrets to you on what makes you amazing. He created you- He would know. He wants to give you an identity and show you who you are. You were created for relationship with Him. When that is lacking, nothing else pans out. Even with all the practical tips listed above, if you leave this one out, you will still feel empty. God wants to be the source of your beauty. He wants to give you your wisdom. He wants to be the breath in your lungs that leaves you fearless. He wants to show you the power of responsibility. He created the world with system, order, patterns, and purpose. He desires to reveal to you how it works and why it’s important.
The only person you are in control of is you. You can not change other people- you can only change yourself. God has given us an open invitation to enter into His presence and be changed by Him. He makes it easy on us. He shows us the places we need to own up to. He gives us grace to change and grow. He fills us with the confidence we need to be successful. He reminds us that we are no longer victims to our circumstances! He backs us with His strength. He gives us a hope and a future. He meets our needs.
He is the source of your happiness. Christ in you is the hope of glory! Christ in YOU is the miracle! When we realize who is inside of us, we know we can’t let anything else hold us back. Why would I let things have power over me when God has promised to be with me! He is a good God! Why would I let anything less than good be my source? He is the real deal who wipes away the counterfeit of addiction, self medication, and manifestation of powerlessness. The joy of the Lord is my strength! I need that joy to do my day to day life. I need the hope inside of me! I need to let go of others and let them be their own person. I need to take back the responsibly I gave to others and ask God to help me hold it for myself.
Do you see how this is the best news you’ve ever been given? When your source is no longer the people around you- you are a powerful Child of God and nothing can stop you. Fulfillment and life are found in the one who created life itself. Suddenly, instead of hating and blaming the world for your problems, you have love and life to give away. Your happiness and future are found in the one who created your past and holds your present. Today is the day to stop looking for others to step up and make you happy. Today is the day you take your happiness back! Today is the day you stop blaming others and realize that everything you need for true happiness is all within your grasp.
This is the journey I've decided to embark on- the one of regaining my power, my identity, and my happiness. Come with me.
The only person you are in control of is you. You can not change other people- you can only change yourself. God has given us an open invitation to enter into His presence and be changed by Him. He makes it easy on us. He shows us the places we need to own up to. He gives us grace to change and grow. He fills us with the confidence we need to be successful. He reminds us that we are no longer victims to our circumstances! He backs us with His strength. He gives us a hope and a future. He meets our needs.
He is the source of your happiness. Christ in you is the hope of glory! Christ in YOU is the miracle! When we realize who is inside of us, we know we can’t let anything else hold us back. Why would I let things have power over me when God has promised to be with me! He is a good God! Why would I let anything less than good be my source? He is the real deal who wipes away the counterfeit of addiction, self medication, and manifestation of powerlessness. The joy of the Lord is my strength! I need that joy to do my day to day life. I need the hope inside of me! I need to let go of others and let them be their own person. I need to take back the responsibly I gave to others and ask God to help me hold it for myself.
Do you see how this is the best news you’ve ever been given? When your source is no longer the people around you- you are a powerful Child of God and nothing can stop you. Fulfillment and life are found in the one who created life itself. Suddenly, instead of hating and blaming the world for your problems, you have love and life to give away. Your happiness and future are found in the one who created your past and holds your present. Today is the day to stop looking for others to step up and make you happy. Today is the day you take your happiness back! Today is the day you stop blaming others and realize that everything you need for true happiness is all within your grasp.
This is the journey I've decided to embark on- the one of regaining my power, my identity, and my happiness. Come with me.